I have so many thoughts swimming around in my head – let me see if I can make sense of it.

First, I have struggling these last couple weeks. Many times I do not say a thing – cause really who wants to hear this bullshit? I don’t. It is just an ear-piercing song replaying again-and-again, so much so it makes me want to vomit. I want to vomit. I want to divorce myself, but at this point in my life I have not figured out how to go about doing it. I just tell myself to shut the fuck up and get on with it.

I developed a cold that lead to an infection with a deep and dark cough. Then, my allergies decide to squeeze my lungs when I stepped outside.

That is the short version. My cold is gone, my infection I think it is winding down, although never truly know – ever. It likes to keep me in the dark that way. I started an inhaled steroid to calm my lungs the fuck down. It all seems to be resolving. But as with everything – it is a one day at a time activity – mentally and physically.

I never truly know until the Universe whispers the softest message that I can barely hear that I almost am not sure if I heard the message. I just about second guess that message but wait, it says – “Go with your instincts because all you ever really need to know you already do.”

What the fuck, right?

Putting all this innate knowledge that I may or may not have –

I am on the course of redefining some key words in my vocabulary. I actually do not have any brilliant wisdom to mark upon at this moment, but I started reading this book called, “Mindfulness” given to me by a dear friend. It talks about a lot of things, I am only on page 12 at this time, but it brings up the term “suffering” and what it truly means: “It just doesn’t mean the agony of the body. It means that deep, subtle sense of dissatisfaction that is a part of every mind moment and that results directly from the mental treadmill” (Gunaratana, 5).

It goes on and basically says that to find peace and happiness we are not really about goals but “what we are really after is the feeling of relief that comes when the drive is satisfied. Relief, relaxation, and an end to the tension. Peace, happiness – no more yearning” (6).

I believe it starts to turn around this term “suffering” and to gain a whole new way to look at it. Flipping it on its side, back, and maybe side again. I am learning.

What struck me though is two things: the terms suffering and relief.

There is the term “CF sufferers” in the medical community that goes together like peanut butter and jelly. I hate it.

I am not a “sufferer”. That is not my existence in life. I have felt like crap at times, for sure. If I ever was called a CF sufferer, I will go kicking and screaming far beyond my grave and will haunt whomever and whatever to change that shit and turn that term, that classification, on its head.

I have a great life. I live. I thrive. I laugh. It stinks at times and there are times I am like what the fuck. I do not enjoy vomiting from coughing. I do not enjoy having my muscles so tight that I feel like someone is pulling them tighter and tighter that some damn organ is going to explode. I also know – this will pass. Everything is temporary. How I will end up on the other side is left up to that Universe whisper.

I do not just exist in this place of suffering. If I believed that, I would have called it quits mentally years ago.

Second word, “relief.”

I have talked to Sheila about relief. I am not looking for any gigantic monumental rainbow in the clouds experience, or a life-altering to the 100th degree experience where before I couldn’t climb one stair, now I can run up every third in record time.

I am looking and asking for relief. To just exhale with a sense of peace. I am asking for help in the Universe at large because even though I am pretty fucking strong, determined, and a bitch at times – I still have my limits. But, I am here and I can throw the punches just as much as anyone else. I may have lost a couple pounds in this last couple weeks, but it will come around again. The pendulum swings – fucker.

Relief. One my favorite new words in the English language. The clouds disperse and the rain pours down, clearing all dirt and debris from years of bitterness and haste.

Moving beyond all of this – I wrote this in my new inspiration book, again given to me by a dear friend.

Every time I start to have negative thoughts in my head I say the words –

“Life and breath”.

Repeat if necessary.

Life and Breath.

“I need to catch myself and lift myself up. As if in that moment I start to slip and I start to descend, even knowing my parachute is there, by the shear will of my energy I will stop – and slowly I will rise in the air again. My faith in myself, my belief in myself is never to be questioned. I will always rise.”

Source:
Gunaratana, Bhante. Mindfullness In Plain English. Somerville, MA. Wisdom Publications. 2011.