So I fucked up. I forgot to do an f/u response paper to my presentation that I did three weeks ago. It didn’t have to be too long, but I needed to answer four questions. It isn’t a huge percentage of my grade but still.

I remembered and then I forgot. My professor emailed me for the response as she wrote, “It is overdue.”

Omg –

I never miss an assignment.

I never forget an assignment.

This means that I have had too many things to remember and my head literally filled to the top and ran out of room.

I worked diligently on the assignment after that assignment, but literally skipped over part two and moved on.

I did it last night, which is the last thing I wanted to do last night. But, I really wanted to submit it for another day did not pass.

This is where I have difficulty in life: when and under what terms do I speak up about my health stuff.

I can handle most things, but then the threshold approaches – and just about the time I may say something, the tide falls back and I feel like I no longer need to say anything. But then do I?

At the beginning of the semester, she opened the platform if there is anything anyone needed to speak about to feel free to speak to her. I almost did, but then I thought I am doing well, or at least better.

And then when and if I speak up, I try and stick to the facts. I try and keep the emotional aspect in a fairly neat box and save that stuff for my counselor, you know the WTF stuff.

When I submitted the assignment I said a couple things – sticking to the facts because I seriously did forget to do part two. Poof! Gone out of my brain which only means something probably bumped it. I said it is not an excuse, it is just the facts. Ugh.

Some people asked if I was going to take a semester off of school. No, I enjoy school and being around people that are curious. It is good for me.

So, that is that. I don’t have anything more to say about that. I throw my hands up.

Second, I have to cut back from doing three treatments to two. I knew I would do it as long as I could until I couldn’t. I am getting tired now. I am going to adjust the time frames of my other two. I will do two 45 minute treatments on my shorter months, and then the two, one-hour treatments on my longer months.

Every other month I have different nebulizer antibiotics to do and their duration times are very different. One month it adds on an hour and the other month 15 minutes.

One month you are like “Yay!” and then the other is like “Oh . . .” It is too many emotions flip-flopping, and then having to change my wake-up times.

So I am deciding to force the times to be closer. One month I am doing a little more treatment than perhaps “I have to,” while the other month I am right on target.

Life lessons I guess. Knowing when to speak up and knowing when to shut up. This is a constant work in progress.

“I am strong.”

“I am weak.”

I know these terms closely in German even:

“Ich bin stark, nicht schwach.”

“I am strong, not weak.”

One speaks louder one day, and then softer the next.

Two opposing phrases in our minds, if we know it or not, or if we acknowledge it or not. They have tension, while (during the time of) we are always trying to find a way to do better with and by them.

In our own voice – our own two phrases.

On that note – you must listen to this Moth podcast. It is super funny  . . . I almost guarantee you will laugh-out-loud.

http://themoth.org/radio-hour/the-call

Much love.