Taking pleasure in the little things – the things that you are doing without even being conscious of it.

The evening of getting my PICC out I decided to go to some of my favorite places in Boston. Sheila was out-of-town at Headquarters in CT and I needed a celebration of sorts so I went to have a yummy burrito.

Ever since I stopped the medications I have been ravished. I did get down to 115 pounds again. The IVs wiped out my gut this time, plus the way in which I administered one of my drugs made me queasy every time I did it, so some days eating was a challenge. When giving myself the med I would hold my breath to try and allow the smell and disgustingness of it to pass as I pushed in a few ccs. Next time – I will not be having it this way. Then I would belch. It was gross. And why do I belch after giving myself an IV medication? Different route – shouldn’t be an issue.

I am up about 2-3 pounds in 4 weeks’ time. Not too bad since I am back to full force exercising.

Back to the lovely evening out with myself. I ate this tasty burrito and then went over to my favorite coffee places and got an almond milk caramel latte. The mix blended harmoniously. Nut with caramel. I then, walked over to my favorite bookstore in the Boston area, really in Brookline and enjoyed perusing the shelves.

Since my dinner I felt a bit heated inside, so I took off my fleece. Then, walking around a bit a little scratch here and there. My bra area was quite itchy. I took a shower that morning, post PICC, so unsure why so itchy. It was getting late so I packed up and went home.

The time I got home, took the dogs out, I was a heated mess. I stripped and there were hives all over my torso, especially my bra area. I am starting to itch just thinking about it. Not really, but in a way – yes.

That evening I took a Benadryl and seemed to help but I woke up at 3am and was itchy all over my body. I turned on the light and it had manifested all over my arms and the front and back of me, mostly the top part.

I did not have any more Benadryl in the house. I knew this going to bed. At the time, I was so miserable and the thought of venturing out seemed over-whelming. I dug through Sheila’s bathroom boxes and found Cortaid and started lathering up my body. It felt heavenly.

I passed out eventually again and in the morning after covering myself almost head to toe with loose-fitting clothes. Not wanting 2 inches of my skin to be out in public, I grabbed the dogs and jet-setted to Walgreens. I bought Benadryl, Gold Bond anti-itch something, replaced Sheila’s Cortaid, and some other soothing lotion stuff just in case, a good $50. Money was not my concern.

I popped in one 25mg of Benadryl in the parking lot and finished my walk with the dogs. Time I got home, popped in another 25mg. I knew it would plow me and hopefully do something with the hives. I slathered on this intensely wonderful Gold Bond, soothing these horrible things.

Sheila was coming home that day mid-afternoon and the plan was to pick her up at an Amtrak station. That would take driving. I mapped it and it would take me 15 minutes, supposedly. I was awake enough to do it but brought more Benadryl and lathered up again.

Sheila was a bit surprised to see in person my actual “condition”.

A few hours later, still nursing my hives, Sheila got a good look at them and her eyes opened. Even though I was covered in hives, we were craving one of our favorite restaurants and I was game. Always starving I just medicated and slathered-up.

I took another Benadryl at the restaurant and 15-20 minutes later and wave of hives began to pop up. Am I allergic to Benadryl? Can you be allergic to Benadryl? There are unknown bi-products in Benadryl – am I allergic to them? What is going on?

We soon left because I felt as if I was going insane – still the food was great.

Once home, I stripped again.

“Are you reacting to the Gold Bond?” Sheila asks.

“I have no fucking idea.”

In my mind, I need the Gold Bond. I have to have it.

“I am going to the store and getting you Calamine and maybe no more Benadryl if you are reacting to the bi-product.” Sheila says.

Continuing Sheila says – “You should shower and wash off all of it if you are reacting.”

“Oh God… Okay.”

I am supposed to take a cold shower, cold-like, I do the best I can. The hives feel better with cool water on them. Still everything is taking my breath.

That evening we stuck to Calamine and no medication. I woke up at 5am and it was not good. Was I getting worse? Was I getting better? Sheila was sincerely talking me into to go to Brigham or an Urgent Care. It was not looking good. My hives were raised head to knees. I did not want to go in as usual. Medications, IVs, – oh God, no. Happens if I am allergic to something else? If I say I may or may not be allergic to Benadryl that is going to create a huge issue. Then what? Misery piled on with misery. So I slathered up some more and passed out.

The next morning – the intensity. I started to realize a pattern – every 2 hours a new rush or wave of hives would come over my body, cyclical. I had new hives, old hives, reappearing, and vanishing ones. The hives were red and raised and then I put on the Calamine and it would break up and appear whiter. As the Calamine was doing its’ work, new hives were appearing on my knees and growing down my calves.

Last time I had hives was when I was 18 years old. It started on my head and literally traveled through my body head to toe. It last 3-4 days and they disappeared. It is like they literally exited my toes and died on the floor.

Soon enough I caught on that this may form the same pattern.

So – take this, some of the hives felt as if they were “dying”, some were growing, crawling through my body, some were just there all the time and then new waves coming over me. I felt insane. I was plopping on the Calamine, trying not to itch, but gave in from time-to-time and took a cold wash cloth and scrubbed my body with it. Especially on my toes and hands. These tiny little hives were just annoying little suckers.

I was getting myself worked-up trying to keep up with the new growing ones and nursing my preexisting ones.

Sheila just said breathe. “You need to breathe.”

“You are right.” My eyes bulging. “I need to breathe.”

We had a meet and greet with little Glenn (Ben) and I wasn’t sure if it was good timing but we both thought, maybe it would distract me. Honestly, these were stupid hives. I can do this.

I went downstairs to take a cold shower and I kept saying “Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.” I am not sure if I was actually practicing breathing, but by saying “breathe” it helped.

Looking into the mirror I could see the ones on my neck with my own eyes get lighter, more of a pink color, and they became flatter. I repeated, “Breathe. Breathe. Breathe” and it kept working. Of course, I still had hives all over my body but this was in the middle of a wave of new hives (thinking my spleen was processing the medication and cycling through to get rid of it?)

So – all this time when I hear nurses tell patients to breathe, it works! Not just by bringing down my blood pressure, but slowing down my system that only wanted to fight – all guns blazing.

Throughout the day the hives came and went in waves. At one point, the hives were quite tight on my face and I couldn’t smile, like I had a mask on my face or caked-on make-up, restricting it, but then it dissipated in an hour or so.

As the day progressed the ones on my upper body kept “dying” and my thighs and calves just became the real problem.

A repeat of Calamine and cold water again and again.

The next day was my first day back to work from being “sick” and I wasn’t calling in. That next morning my whole upper body looked amazing. My legs looked pretty good until I did my treatment and it shook me and brought the hives to the surface. I am not kidding. They must had been right there just waiting to torture me, right under the surface. I scrubbed my legs with a cold washcloth again and plopped on more Calamine. I nursed them throughout the day, here and there, but nothing like before.

Then – next day – all gone!!! Even the stubborn ones between my toes and fingers finally died. This torture started Wednesday eve and finally by Sunday I was free!

Hands down – one of the worst experiences of my life.

But I learned to breathe. To keep on breathing. And even if I don’t know if I am actually breathing, just saying it puts down the guns down and maybe they fall to the ground all together.

I have uploaded two pics from my tortuous event to show I am not making up this shit. It was awful and like a crazy disease entered my body and took it over. Beware they are gross. And I uploaded a happy pic of me hive-free a couple days later. You may have seen already, but I am just so happy, content, and thankful to not see these little bastards and to work again – The Privilege of Work.

Returning to work literally choked me up. You may think work is just a necessity, grueling at times, but not working to me feels like it separates you from the living. At least it did for me. There is time to rest and heal, and then there is time to get shit done and get back into the game, to feel alive and well again.