Planes, trains, and automobiles are a part of my life again –

I dreamt that I needed a double lung and liver transplant last night. I kept saying with great deliberation that “I feel fine.  I don’t understand.”

I did not really enjoy that. I slept great besides that. Fuck.

Onward – I am reading this fabulous book called “The Power of Habit” – it covers so many fascinating subjects, one being willpower.  It says, “Willpower is not just a skill.  It’s a muscle, like the muscles in your arms and legs, and it gets tired as it works harder, so there’s less power left over for other things. If you want to do something that requires willpower – like going for a run after work – you have to conserve your will power muscle during the day.  If you use it up to early on tedious tasks like writing emails or filling out complicated and boring forms, all the strength will be gone by the time you get home.”

“If you work on your willpower muscles, it spills over into many other areas of your life. When it becomes stronger, it touches everything.”

Love that.

I have not written in a bit.  I am actually writing, just not here. I am working on a couple projects.  When I put that aside to write this blog, I cannot find the words because each day I am observing, taking note, hoping my liver is doing well, and honestly feel like I am an audience member of a movie that I am watching and not participating in.

Can all this be happening? Two years ago at this time I was in the hospital. Today I am coughing probably 60-70% less. I feel like I have little need to cough because my cells are being corrected.  I am not feeling that force to cough as much, and I am not muffling my coughs.  I am not exhausted from coughing. I have an internal energy that is unfamiliar to me.

I am not gaining weight though.  In fact, I may have lost a pound.  I am trying my best but I just cannot consume all the calories in a day.  I get tired of eating, taking pills, and digesting.  I almost think my metabolism is getting faster as if my system is running more efficiently.  I am catching my sugars getting a little low earlier in the day than they normally would be because I am using them up faster. I need more calories to hold me over, or different kind of calories. High protein holds me over longer more so than anything else. I actually wish I weighed about 10 pounds heavier. I just want to be filled and then take from its resources when I need it.

I am working a lot, mostly because I have set goals. I am writing and creating. I am drinking too much coffee perhaps, but I have these goals and want to accomplish them. It is aiding me with my willpower.  I am reading, taking notes, and asking many questions. I am listening closely. All those reasons and more why I am going through my calories faster.

Life has been filled with a stack of challenges.  I mean a stack.  Not all bad challenges, but challenges that are new to me.  I try and clear my head and hold love closest to my heart as possible.  I am still full of blunders, but I try deeply to see the positive and be grateful for all that is, like this tiny poem.

“A Bright White”

The night becoming its dawn,
The sun begins to rise
Turning everything on its side.

The Stars dim from a bright light
To a bright white,
Always there for you
Even when you are awake,

To catch your wishes and dreams,
Each moment in your life –

Be bold
Be beautiful
Be you.
 

Work cited:
Duhigg, Charles.  The Power of Habit.  New York. Random House.  2012.