I have been doing this a long time – managing my health; overcoming, breathing, believing in the miracle of what can be, what honestly what should be.  In what I see life could be, given thought, openness, gratitude, and for fuck sake, some fucking relief.

A pause. A stopping of the continuum, to look at things a little differently.

And I wonder where my anxiety comes from?

I am not one to overreact, most of the time.  But this anxiety I have is a slow building of pressure like a balloon inflating ever so silently, so calm, that one cannot see it increase in size.  I may not even know it is there it feels like a pressure pushing itself into my chest. The balloon is not visible, tangible, and sometimes I recognize it, sometimes I don’t.

Who are you? Why have you come?

Sometimes, it deflates ever so quietly and slowly just like it arrived. Disappearing like a ghost, waving good-bye.

Sometimes I have complete command over it – I lead my own life after all.

I have found the source of this anxiety, for the most part, besides general life stressors – it is if and when I receive my medications.

It is the constant battle; the constant ordering and tracking; the constant knocking down doors and making myself heard.  It is the constant not knowing when they will come, will they figure it out, fill it correctly, give me the right medication or wrong one yet again –

Last week I received a 90-day supply for the generic for Nexium. I need the brand Nexium, because I do not have normal acid reflux.  The amount of medications I take create large amounts of acid. When I cough, if the acid isn’t controlled, the acid will go into my lungs and I will aspirate on it.  My lungs, rejecting the acid, retract and narrow trapping in the bacteria – thus leading to a lung infection.  I cough more and the cycle repeats. This can take place just over 3 days.  This was the cause of one of my hospitalizations.

But what is so cool – my healthcare team is like a parachute that suspends me and literally catches me before an unsightly scene takes form.

They get it.

I don’t have to explain the long-winded trail of the cause-and-effect, and why this needs to happen otherwise I may die.

Finding out last week that the generic, in deed, does not work at all – I contact my nurse and she instantly puts in a prescription and I get an email within the hour that they received it, and that day it was shipped.  I did not receive it for 2 days but I doubled-up on the generic as well as over-the-counter medications and the acid settled.

And then my digestive enzymes, that I believe give me the most stress and anxiety of all my medications.  This last pharmacy would only ship a one-month supply.  If I was staying with them longer, I would request for a 90-day supply.  Ever 2-weeks I am looking to refill for I can eat. Then, there are the mishaps of them not getting ahold of me to refill, so they cancel the order all together.  I call to find out where my enzymes may be. They said they called, and I said no one left me a message, and then they repeat.

The vortex of insanity:

“We called”

“No one left a message.”

“We called.”

“No one left a message.”

“We cancelled the order.”

“No one notified me.”

Seriously?

You see, I do not have anxiety of where my next meal will come from.

I have anxiety where my next enzyme to eat the meal will come from.

But, I am thankful every day that I am not in this alone – and god willing, I don’t think I will ever have to be.