An old classic, “Fumbling Towards Ecstasy” by Sarah McLachlan, can’t go wrong with that . . .

When I was in yoga today, I had trouble of letting go and focusing on the practice. It felt good, nonetheless; but a little trouble.

I printed some communication notes from my CF doctor to my primary about where I am, how I am doing, ect. He actually made a mistake in one of the notes, saying my PFT score was lower than it is/was.

I write a lot about my PFT’s, because this is my true focus; however, I have to let go of the very thing I put so much energy on.

What happens if I don’t reach the goal in which I am striving for?

I have been going to my CF appointments 4 times a year, minimumly, since the beginning, but it has only been in the last few years that I have had some anxiety that lingers and sometimes is very present with these visits. Understandably with recent events, but as I get older, it has become so much harder to keep at a 4 star level.

But, as I say that, CF is actually easier in some respects than when I was younger. What I remember most about my grade school years is that I was in a lot of pain; stomach pain mostly. Then, in my teen years, it was arthritis; diabetes surfaced at nineteen; but at least that wasn’t pain – the chronic stuff that eats at your will.

It wasn’t until 25 years that I had my first episode with hemopytsis – first real sign, evidence, symptom of the thing that will kill me, if I die of natural causes; more specifically, the infections that will hold my lungs hostage specifically.

I used to say arthritis was the greatest difficulty in my life, the thing that was sucking my will to live. So after many years of dealing, fighting with it, at 19 years old I over came it, a miracle to me. I did it by letting go, and letting go of everything.

So, what would my younger self say to my older self? Let go of everything. Just do the BEST that I can at the moment with the time and my current energy I have at that moment – so important to make that distinction. There may be other times I can or could do better, but right now this is the BEST I can do.

And I feel I am doing the BEST I can – with all capital letters. Not a half-assed best, because that isn’t good enough. I am hammering it out like never before. I am working out 6 days a week, I mean really . . . My body is in great condition. All the years I have been working and priming my body to stay in the BEST health for as long as I can – I truly think I am. Will my PFT’s match my feeling? I guess if they don’t, it isn’t like I am going to stop, right? The marathon is still in motion.

All I can do is be kind of myself, even if I may be let down. Normally, I would focus on the fact that I can achieve and will – but I am leaving a small gap for disappointment. I don’t have experience with this type of situation, so I am not sure what the outcome will be.

Let’s do this: I am going to shoot for 98%, not 100%, not even 99%, coming up from 87%. If I don’t reach it, it is o.k. I will be happy with 95% for sure with a smudge factor of a few percent. I really don’t want lower than that.

Then in the meantime, have to keep raising money for the researchers to do their job and perhaps I will get some relief at some point.

I need to let go, because as my appointment approaches, my anxiety begins to linger. Because Damn-it! I am doing the BEST I can, while still saying a slight prayer.