I came home today after work, after driving through rain pouring into the streets, watching the rain beads stomping their feet. I had to pull over as I couldn’t barely see. I watched the massive pools of water form and heard the smack of hale hit my car and bounce on the street.
I did my 3-minute med, showered, ate, and as I decided to stretch out on the floor, my eyes shut. My mind began to drift. The excited taps on my temples began to lift, they became a whisper as my eyes fell into that perfect sleep space.
All the while knowing, I must get up to my treatment. Allowing my body to rest and move on over to my treatment space, I have found helps immensely. Just moving that exhaustion away to be able to focus on the task at hand.
Now awake, or partially awake – btw, I can never, ever spell partially the first time correctly. I am here and two words keep coming to mind. Matthew Sheppard.
See this sweet, sweet boy. He has that sensitive gifted soul, that spirit that carries on. Just look how beautiful he is. I think about his age and my eyes close; I sigh.
Please read about him here: https://www.matthewshepard.org/about-us/our-story/
Perhaps because the anniversary of Stonewall was just yesterday – and we carry these moments inside our hearts and in the middle of our bellies. We move through our lives holding and letting go and trying to forgive, and wanting for all the better in the world.
Elijah McClain – another sweet, sweet sensitive, and endearing boy. Gifted, and has this spirit that glows.
His words are heartbreaking:
“I can’t breathe.
I have my ID right here.
My name is Elijah McClain.
That’s my house.
I’m just going home.
I’m an introvert.
I’m just different.
That’s all.
I’m so sorry.
I have no gun.
I don’t do that stuff.
I don’t do any fighting.
Why are you attacking me?”
He goes on. Please read his story: https://www.nytimes.com/article/who-was-elijah-mcclain.html
Pause.
These two souls, these two young boys keep passing through my mind.
My friend said to me the other day, that if she saw or was a close eye witness to George Floyd’s apprehension, she would have stepped in. And my friend would have just as many of my friends would have.
My friend has these hands that will fucking take you down. Meaning, she looks harmless, but she isn’t. She also could stand up or speak because she is white, or she could stand up or speak up without fear of being killed because she is white.
Break.
I was speaking to a friend during this last year and I said something to the fact of gay, queer, people move to the city for safely.
She said, “Oh, I thought they just liked cities.”
While stating, there is absolutely nothing wrong with what she said. On the outside, one could say, gay people, queer people, like the city life.
We do like the city; we like other places too, just like anyone else. I love the trees that surround me and the quiet that calms me.
But it’s also comforting to see humans that are like us or who are us, who are out and rejoice in being out. That often takes place more in the city.
But one other big reason we live in cities is because we fear our life, at least that is how I grew up. Especially throwing it 20 years back.
Safety in numbers.
Safety in awareness, and diversity,
and people tend to speak up against wrongs.
The Midwest and other areas of the country are extremely different than New England. The vastness is real.
As soon as I could, as soon as I saved enough money for the deposit, first month’s rent, onward, I moved to Minneapolis. I didn’t feel necessarily unsafe in the suburb I grew up in, but I didn’t necessarily feel safe either. There is a double-negative in that sentence.
I remember moving into a one-bedroom apartment, with laundry in the basement, off-street parking, no roommates, and I was psyched. I moved into 2637 Pleasant St. Minneapolis and at this point, my mom and I were speaking.
She helped me move some of my items in and while looking up and down the street, with stuff in her arms, not even crossing the apartment building threshold yet, she says, “There are a lot of black people here.”
I nodded. “It’s a city.” People have to live someplace. Jesus Christ.
In the apartment, she unpacked and gave me a lot of pink stuff. Pink towels, pink bathroom rugs, I swear she wanted to give me a pink lamp and I said I was good. Pepto Bismol pink. You can deconstruct the layers of this in your mind.
She was questioning why I needed or wanted to live in Minneapolis. All the above.
During my life, I have heard my parents slander black people. “They are moving in. That black and white couple.” A sneer here and sneer there. “Don’t ever bring home a black man.”
During my life, I have heard my grandparents say racist things. “That black guy on TV.” As my grandpa muttered to himself and shook his head. Let alone, my grandpa was part Native American –
During my life, I have heard and witnessed my brother being slandered, many times.
And there was this time, my brother reminded me, he was going to The Rocky Horror Picture Show a lot.
He dressed up, drove to Uptown Minneapolis with friends regularly. Before walking into our home, he put his regular clothes back on and took off his black nail polish.
This one day, he just said, “No.” He didn’t feel like taking it off again. He had been doing it for weeks.
And, Aaron, correct me if I am wrong, our Dad confronted him and told him to take off the nail polish, and if he didn’t he had to leave the house and couldn’t come back in unless he took it off. He refused. He was just tired of it all. This was a tipping point –
He packed up his stuff, car jammed and moved out quickly thereafter. He was just a few weeks shy of turning eighteen and in his senior year of high school as well.
During my personal life, you know how well personal challenges went for me. From others, I mostly heard of perverted comments by straight white men, not 100% but mostly. They seem to have difficulty with boundaries. Respecting a woman’s space.
And let me tell, it wouldn’t take me about a half of a second to take a lamp and use it if they ever stepped closer inappropriately.
I felt their boundary-breaking more in my twenties and thirties, but I am always alert.Women always have to be alert.
This is when I wish I had the ability, I wish all women had the ability to turn into Incredible Hulk, Wonder Women, Spider-Man – whatever it takes all in one.
Pause.
I want to say thank goodness for the new generations not allowing for discrimination and making people feel less than.
And please be mindful that young people may chose to express themselves that perhaps isn’t the norm or your family’s norm.
So many beautiful souls in this world.
These two boys, read about them, keep them in your heart. These two boys were different outwardly; the same humanely.
Be watchful.
Standup for bigotry.
Hateful thinking.
Hateful words.
When your stomach starts to twist –
stand up,
speak up, and
speak out.
Be kind for God’s sake. Be kind.
Much love. Thanks for reading. We got this. We can do this. Please take care of yourself and the ones you love.
A little Judy: