Tomorrow I have my doctor’s appointment. I wish I could care more than I do. I do care – but I don’t.

I rescheduled this appointment, so it has been 5 months instead of my regular 3 months.

The ebb and flow of life . . . I think I am taking a more relaxed approach rather than perhaps my usual aggressive approach right now.

I believe my infection is mostly cleared up – stupid drug that threw my equilibrium off. But, at least I am on my mucomyst that I so badly needed. Antibiotics sure make your body work harder, a different kind of hard then battling sickness; reduce inflammation, repair battered tissues/cells, reproduce new and healthy ones; all the while taking from your resources (protein, fat, calories).

Natural remedies are calling me; to research and try different things. A great friend of mine has been a life saver, literally. She introduced different kinds of herbs to me which I probably never would have tried otherwise. She has suggested another for me, and I think I need to add this one into my regimen. I will try one thing at a time, to have a controlled study.

I wish I could put off my appointment for another couple months to repair from this infection, keep doing my mucomyst, and see if my lungs improve greatly.

Perhaps I have said this before, but isn’t there a maximum of energy, years that one should have to deal with an issue?

I have really had enough of CF; I really have. I am tired of the doing: the questions, the overcoming, the repairing, the re-investigating, the treatment, the endurance, the strength, and all over again.

Setting aside my dislikes, the way I see it is – I am lucky to be writing these words; to be breathing as I am, to not be in pain at this moment, and I guess the rest is relative right?

Everything is o.k. until it is not. So right now, this very moment I think I am o.k., and that’s everything in life. A car accident, a new diagnosis, a broken heater, a bee sting (an allergic reaction), a toothache . . . “until it is not.”

I hope everything will be o.k. tomorrow. I hope my lung function is stable; my chest x-ray will look relatively good. That I can say tomorrow, “Tessa, you have done a good job for the last 5 months – keep on moving and grooving.”

And I hope I have the tolerance to be a good patient. The tolerance is also part of the endurance – not to say “No” blatantly and rudely. I think I am relatively nice, but I say less and less as I get older because it doesn’t matter. And the reason I say “No” to most questions is because if I have lived to see another day – what does it matter?

For example, when I am in an acute situation I repeat over-and-over “This to will pass. Everything is temporary.” And if it isn’t temporary, I guess I will find out. Therefore, if the issue isn’t bothering me that second, in the doctor’s office, it doesn’t exist. If the problem is acute or essential at that moment, I would say something. Other things will come up again, and the hope is, it will pass too. I feel one has to put the ax on the nonsense.

Inhale; bring the healing in and let go of the bad things. In with the good, out with the bad – reduce, repair, reproduce, and repeat!

Oh, and always swear – a lot.