I exhale.

I feel like I am climbing a mountain. Not just with CF, although I think that it is where it began; but showing, being, acting as if one should.

“Be the change you want to see in the world” – Ghandi.

Apparently I am striving to be like Ghandi, kind of a lot to take on.

I have experienced, personally, a lot of unfairness, rudeness, unkindliness, hurtfulness. So instead of harboring that as a whole, I try and release it, heal, and return to what I want to see in the world. Normally hurt people hurt – again – if they do not heal, right? So, this is a process – one that can carry anger, followed by a cycle of replenishment of healing words and kindness.

Patience is a theme throughout all of this. It weaves in and out each element – holds you, embraces, and catches you at times.

At the same time, I have met a fair share of people that harbor a lot of hurt inside – maybe I can see myself in them. My heart is sad for them, so I try and make their world a better place. Sometimes it backfires, depending upon if they are willing to accept “me” at that time.

From early on, I have seen hurt and what hurt can do to people. In the past I tried to heal the wounds of my mother’s. It never could be done, at least that is how I see it. I started at a young age, since I saw her cry so much of the time – then laugh, an echoing laugh that you can hear from far away – then cry again. I didn’t like when she cried. It made me sad as a child. So, I tried to help her sadness or figure out why she was sad, in my very young ways. I am talking 4, 5, 6 years old.

They say you try and finish or repair that first “failed” relationship. In some ways I failed my mother. Although, logically as an adult I know and understand everyone is responsible for their own happiness. My mother was an adult, and with the right direction, encouragement she could have found help. I didn’t fail her; I understand that. I did my best and I have had to move on. I haven’t spoken to my parents for two years, yet again. I am tired of being hurt; the repeition of being hurt. And I do not wish to have that in my life.

Because of this, I am sensitive to others; sometimes it is because I come from a place of weakness. Not a mental weakness, but a special needs of sorts, other people with physical challenges.

It goes back to only wanting to live the things I want to see in the world.

Everyone is fragile. If you break 3 or 4 strong branches off of their strong trunk, selves, their fragility is revealed.

Through all of this, you can sometimes meet resistance. And what do we do with that? We sit patiently, let go, and be kind.

I use this practice in everything, including CF. I am still not looking forward to my return appointment. I am trying to play tricks on myself and pretend that I don’t have a planned date. Let me explain:

I had to reschedule my appointment, and I thought if they could fit me in the next day I would go in. The anxiety wouldn’t have time to build – thus the expectations.

So the morning I go, which I am happy it is in the morning; 8:45 a.m. – I will try and let go of all expectations as if it is any other day and just do the best I can at that moment. That is it! I can expect no more or less of myself.

And I have to be honest, I am SO tired of doing this crap. The mountain, the ravines, the climbing, the variations of it in between. But, I sit, let go, and be kind. Return to the basics and do and be what I want to see in the world – period.