I am angry. I am actually very angry, although I dislike using the word “very”.
My MGH CF appointment was supposed to be this Thursday with this ridiculous 30-min pulmonary function test. MN feels they are worthless, which they are.
I am a firm believer that if a test does not change your standard of care then there is no point to the test. I have been living by this philosophy for most of adult years. Every-so-often I am talked into a test because of x, y, z – but I am done. I was transfered two times to get it cancelled, then questioned.
“I am not doing them anymore.”
“Did you discuss this with your doctor?”
“I will.”
“So, you are not doing this?”
“Correct. I will do the normal PFTs in the office.”
“Okay . . .”
They are worthless. I hate them. They exausted me. They are hard and make you feel like you can’t breathe. I sweat. I have to wear a wicking shirt and then change after. I hate them.
When a friend of mine asked me how old I was turing this year and I said 39, she said, “You are approaching your 40s. They are great. That is when you stop caring about bullshit.” The nonsense-factor drops, like the mic drop.
I have been doing this for my entire life. Not 10 or 20 years – my entire life. I have been doing this for over 20 years as an adult. I have had to
Stand
Push-back
Stand-up again
Make my case
Be cornered
Refuse
Cry
Accept
Surrender
Come back again
Clench my fist
Extend my fist
Glide
Walk
Hussle
Run
Drop
Ease-up
Rev up again
Put my thinking cap on
Become a creative
Add meds, subtract,
Research
Become a scientist
Read, research –
Make my point
Stand up again
Fuck everything again.
Glide
Extend
Walk
Hussle
Run
And throw a smile in there daily – cause I will not be pushed down.
This is what living with a chronic condition is. You never stop. You never truly drop. You are always Okay even when you are not.
You know you are blessed even when you curse. You hide, feel, and have your pitty party for a short time then, we rise.
We rise.
We rise fierce
We RISE.
We never quit
We can’t
We do not know how to quit.
WE RISE.