Love that line. It is one of my favorite Tori Amos songs, “Waitress.”

I have been afraid to write; I know it has been a while. I never want to jump before I know what is going on, and frankly – honestly I never know what is going on. But – at times of minute moments of clarity.

A few of you know has been going on, some not.

Sometimes I truly think either someone really wants me here, or someone really doesn’t want me here.
I can recall two days this last month where I have said to Sheila, “This is not living; this is not life. I can’t live this way.”

But, now the monster has been taken out – the bed.

Who would have thought?

I have developed some sort of allergy or the bed has developed some sort of colonization of bacteria, bugs that my senses cannot detect except my most sensitive organ – my lungs.

For over 3-months I have been writing down my actions: exercise, how much I cough, when I take my antibiotic, and any important information relative to my health, life that would shift my health because
I can’t remember every detail.

I have been tracking it, trying to narrow down the issue. My nurse called me a “sleuth.”

On April 20, I went to bed and coughed; coughed so much I could barely catch my breath. I said to Sheila, “I have got to get out of this bed.” She set up a bed for me on the couch and literally in 5 minutes, I calmed down and was asleep.

I slept on the couch 3-days after, peacefully. We went and got an allergen cover, bought a nice air filter; I cleaned every nook in the bedroom: walls, floors (on hands and knees), and windows – everything to narrow down the culprit.

I slept in the bed that night and cough, cough, and more coughing. I have been on the couch since April 26 and I am in love with sleep, getting great sleep. I write, “Slept beautifully.” I can’t remember when the last time I slept this way. The phlegm climbing up and down my throat has seemed too ceased. We got the bed officially out of here last Friday and my lungs seem to have calmed. My cough has become clearer.

I had my CF appointment 3-days ago, and my chest x-ray showed some mucous blockage in my left upper lung, versus my usually right upper lung problem area.

Do you know that I hope when I go to sleep that I don’t cough, or I cough less, or in small amounts. I hope when I wake my cough isn’t horrible, but manageable.

And the reason why this is such a big deal is the inflammation process restricts my airways and allows for my bacteria to be trapped more, thriving. And from what they tell me, my bacteria never truly goes away; my body is always fighting to keep it at a low population – in varying degrees – due to my cells that don’t work appropriately.

I coughed a great amount of crap two mornings ago; 30, 40 tissues – I am not sure. And each time this happens, although that time was a lot – much more than I have seen in a long time; I just pass over them like small hurdles, sometimes larger ones, but know somehow this has to stop. And this time, supposedly, hopefully it is the bed, which it seems to be. I see better things in my life.

I am not saying this for pity – cause that is a curse word in my mind – but that CF is crap. Someone should throw it out in the trash. Only if I could!

In time, truth always reveals itself.

Health is freedom.

To rewind:
In my early 20′s my lung scores experience a sudden decline, and again decline after a month of antibiotics. My doctor and I scratched our heads, searched for any reason. He asked me a list of questions and we got around to where I worked. He says, “They had a flood a year ago – it’s got to be mold.”

I had no idea, why would I? I was experiencing increased cough – but that never happens. I had been working there just under a year.

I spoke to my manager; I got a new job, started working in the hospital in less than month. I returned to my doctor’s and my lung scores returned to where they once were. I also coughed up some nasty crap – similar to what I coughed up two days ago. Colors you would see in a forest.

Did the bed have hidden, unseen mold?

I bought the incline wedge pillow on Black Friday last fall, thinking that when I would lie down in my bed and started to cough it was because of changing of fluid in my lungs, air pressure. I believe it wasn’t that, but closer I got to my bed, my lungs started to react.

Last night, while still sleeping on the couch, a new bed is coming; I took out my wedge pillow and slept with one pillow. I can’t remember when I slept with one pillow. And yet – that could change tonight. You never, ever know if today becomes tonight or tomorrow.

I hope and I pray each day and each night that my cough is less, my muscles spasm less.

I see better things ahead.

Health is a luxury.

As I type, at my desk, in my bedroom; the room echoes. The bed isn’t here to absorb the sound, or me.

I am so thankful.

Peace; Bitch.