This is a very difficult time in history and it isn’t even history yet.

I submitted my last papers over this weekend and it always feels so good to do so. I struggled with this relatively short paper I had to write, 7-10 pages. I just got over onto the 8th page and I was like, “That’s it. That’s all I got.”

At times I think I knew what I was talking about and then I am like,
“What am I talking about?” Oh yes – voice. Salinger – Holden Caulfield the voice that has resonated for decades. And why?

He’s a straight talker. His voice is far from being superfluous, no adverbs, layering, posturing – no bullshit. He tells it the way it is. He is not muttered or muted and he stands forward in his fullness and realness. Each memoir I read this semester did that exact same thing.

Sigh.

So, this is really difficult in history. Energies are flying all over the place.

As with you, I am trying to do my best.

In my readings, I have come upon some nuggets. It is interesting as each book I have read, one author remarks of another author I’m about to read or have read – not planned, just so happened.

When one slapped one’s child in anger the recoil in the heart reverberated through heaven and became part of the pain of the universe.       – James Baldwin. 

It was on the 28th of July, which I believe was a Wednesday, that I visited my father for the first time during his illness and for the last time in his life. The moment I saw him I knew why I had put off this visit so long. I had told my mother that I did not want to see him because I hated him. But this was not true. It was only that I ‘had’ hated and I wanted to hold on to this hatred. I did not want to look on him as a ruin: it was not a ruin I hated. I imagine that one of the reasons people cling to their hates so stubbornly is because they sense, once the hate is gone, that they will be forced to deal with pain.    – James Baldwin

Break.

 When a child’s parent is not there, even if the reasons are completely legitimate, that child interprets the absence exactly as I did: ‘I don’t matter enough for you to show up for me. I’m not important.’ And in those early years when I was forming my identity, I took on a belief parallel to that interpretation: ‘If you don’t value me, then I must not be valuable.’    -Alicia Keys 

As you get older, you have to hush those words and move them right on out. Have them pass through you and not allow that nonsense to enter, again.

Processing tools to process your emotions. 

The relationship between you and your inner child is so important. Your inner child is looking to you to set it straight. The kid knows you. You cannot lie to this kid. ‘It knows all of your lies.’ You have to be sincere. You have to tell the truth. You have to say, ‘Look, I am here for you know and I am never going to leave you.’

I mean that. I am never going to leave you like they did.      – Ru Paul 

I love kids. I always have. Whenever I am around children, I am reminded of my young self and how I am taking care of that kid, for sure without a doubt.

But, in present-day, I am really taking care of the child standing next to me. I will do anything to protect them. Don’t push it, you will regret it.

Last bit I want to share –

I dropped by Mrs. Wexler’s office after lunch. It was great to see her after the summer. Catching up – Mrs. Wexler smiled, ‘You’re on your way,’ she said. Then she asked me a question she’s asked before. ‘What do you want to do with your life? What kind of books do you want to write?’ 

I thought about Demon, the darkness of that closet;
I thought about Clark, his sleazy black heart;
I thought about those girls in the park,
who scarred me for life, and the gang on the street,
who branded me with their cigarette;
I thought about the giant hole in my mother’s soul
when alcohol and her mental illness took over;
I also thought about Carol, who took care of me
the best she could, whenever she could;
I thought about Daddy, who poured into me
the history of our people, and encouraged me to explore
all that the world of art had to offer;
I thought about the Buchanans, who made me part of their family;
about Debra, who loved me like a sister; about Willie Mae and Doll,
who embraced me like their own;
I thought about Mrs. Wexler, the hardest teacher ever –
the best, too. That’s when I knew.

‘I want to write books about
some of the darkness I’ve seen,
real stories about real people, you know?
But I also want to write about the light,
because I’ve seen that, too.
That place of light – it’s not always easy
to get to, but it’s there.
It’s there.”     – Nikki Grimes

Life is a lot – so are we.
What you focus on in life expands.
Goodness.
That is the only word you should be focusing on.

I miss you. I love you. Focus on the task at hand. We will get there.

Another flash mob!

Works Cited:
Collected Essays, Notes of a Native Son – James Baldwin
Ordinary Hazards – Nikki Grimes 
More Myself – Alicia Keys