I started writing this two weeks ago; wasn’t sure where I was going. I decided to leave it actually.

We have arrived.

I am not exactly sure what that phrase means, but my thoughts keep repeating it.

2012 is going to be “blank” year. What exactly, I am not sure. It is early, but my gut believes big challenges, good challenges are ahead.

A picture I have in my head repeatedly is me walking on water, gliding actually. Dedication has brought me here.

I have not skipped a treatment in very possibly a year. I can’t get passed the “what if” self-talk in my head. The feeling of congestion in the morning today was not the feeling I felt 10 years ago if I skipped it. Then, I hear the voice from my nurse back home saying, “You can never cheat your health, you can only cheat yourself” – so annoying. But, what I really hear and believe is that there is a watch ticking, keeping track of every move, every execution, the hits the misses, of how much I really did try, and be my BEST. And I can’t shake that voice anymore. So – no matter how dead-tired, I do my treatment. I prop myself up with a pillow, I put my feet up, and try sleeping – almost – while holding onto my nebulizer – and shaking of course.

Sometimes, I take a small nap before I do my treatment, because I so NEED to take the edge off. Sometimes the thought of putting on that jacket enrages me – and I just can’t. It makes me want to go “Ahh!” I just can’t for that second, at that moment, so I sleep. I take a small nap maybe 30-45 minutes. Then afterwards, I am too dog-tired to have the energy to BE angry. That is the trick you know. Sleep, just sleep off your emotions. Some people will say, “I can’t sleep.” Eventually, you will collapse.

When I was young, I didn’t know what this enraging feeling was; couldn’t put it to words, or process it fully. Ever-so-often, five or six times in my life, I have thrown the nebulizer across the room, and man it felt so good. Then I realized my behavior and picked it up. I am human; I can’t process everything all the time.
When I was a kid, I wanted to pick-up my therapy table up so bad. It looked like a massage table, kind of, and was quite heavy. I wanted to throw it across the room; out the window. I imagine it numerous times. Again, because I couldn’t put words to it, or how to connect all the dots, that imagery served me well at that time. And I had anger. A rumble and jab kind of anger, not the shout-in-your-face kind. I didn’t jab it at people, at least not that I can remember, but around me. Then never knowing what to do with it, it just came around and soaked up inside of me again – thus the arthritis.

Always go back to dedication; dedication to myself and the dedication of the challenge that I was born with.

The other day I did my morning treatment, worked 12-hours, worked-out for an hour right after work, helped Sheila walk the dogs, did another treatment, and then ate, which wasn’t until after 10pm. A long day before I put my feet up. This orchestration could not be done without Sheila though. She takes me to work many days; she helps make my days worth of food, makes my coffee, and runs the business of the house. She does much of the grocery shopping, prepares most meals, feeds and treats me SO well. She creates my smoothie concoction when I am done working out when she is home. She is the best partner someone could have.

And all this work is just to feel like a healthy, strong person. If I subtract something, I feel it. As long as I am on the steady stream upward, gliding on that water – meaning no blood, no sickness – I don’t have a lot to fear.

Dedication is just that. Unless you live with me, it is hard to see, to tell. When Sheila and I met, early on I tried to explain without being an ass, without pushing away, but trying to drive in how much “work” this is. This disease expects EVERYTHING and more. It can be relentless without any empathy. It can take and take some more until you have next to nothing, and then expect more – again. It questions why you are here, and makes you work for the answers. Sometimes never giving you any – but “you will see.” See what?

To see the kindness and the love you HAVE to give to yourself, IS the same kindness and love everyone deserves. The entire picture, the entire of scope of everything in existence revolves around that. It is so hard and yet – so simple.