When you live with a life-threatening condition – and I am not even going to put that in quotations or downgrade that – you always plan and prepare for the worst. You plan and prepare to when you can’t anymore.

I save, I don’t do things I would really love to do – because getting sick and dying is real.

And you are set up to be like that, think like that – it’s ingrained in your mind and the people around you. The people that don’t ever say you can grow up and be something, because people don’t know if you will. They may be more scared than you are.

They freeze. Blinders. One day at a time. Breathe. Exhale. Next appointment. Treatment after treatment. On and on.

You don’t travel far from your house or hospital because “What if?” So you stay close while others move out of the radius.

Then, some people just freeze for years never knowing they have been. And then when you start to accumulate time, like snow falling thicker and fuller, people start to believe until something else comes up. Then you freeze again.

You do this all your life. It is cyclical almost but in an elliptical cyclical nature. Always trying to find your ground while medications, therapies, statistics keep changing – some for the good and some for the bad.

You keep on planning for the worst. Be prepared. Save. Stash. Make legal documents: a will, power of attorney, on and on. But no life insurance, can’t get life insurance.

But then – things start changing. You start to unfreeze, but you are afraid to. Still afraid but you try.

You do this please and thank you, try and make amends in this constant exchange with everyone and everything. You try and open up without falling over.

Today I got my liver function tests done and my liver is in perfect health. I can continue taking my drug.

I did yoga for an hour the other day – I coughed once. I felt like I could stretch and open up my lungs more than before. Perhaps less inflammation?

I had a dream the other night that I was in the Olympics competing in four races.

Things will keep changing.

But right now – I am not coughing. I will still prepare. That’s too far ingrained in me. But I may start to allow myself to reach further than I ever thought.

For years I have been asking for relief.

Today, I’m finally getting some.

Thank you a million times over.