I don’t know if I ever told you but I wasn’t much of a reader growing up. I wasn’t much of a reader in my teens. I had this inability to sit still. I think I had a fair amount of anxiety and uneasiness swimming around in my body and mind.

Then a slow shift started in my 20s. I found one of my favorite bookstores to this day in Minneapolis. Thankfully not burned down. I would go in there and just leisurely start to make friends with these thick volumes of paper.

Thinking now, I don’t think I read very much when I was young because the books I was given did not resonate. I didn’t read about children who had my condition. I was a bit of an odd kid and then sexuality – and then that’s just extremely confusing. There is something to the fact of representation.

My friend, Nate, said, “You should get that book.” He pointed at this book called The Tao of Inner Peace by Diane Dreher.

She writes, “Some people think if they just ignore danger it will go away. This is denial, a foolish response to any problem. For the cycle continues. Unsolved problems do not go away: they get worse.”

She continues:

There’s an old story by Chuang Tzu about a man so afraid of the sight of his shadow and the sound of his footsteps that he ran away from them.

But the more he ran, the faster the footsteps sounded after him, the more swiftly his shadow followed behind. Falling into a panic, he ran faster and faster until he finally died of exhaustion.

He didn’t realize that if he stopped running, what he feared would stop chasing him. Resting in the shade of a tree would make the shadow disappear and the footsteps cease.

I remember reading many passages in this book:

“Tao people aren’t haunted by ghosts of the past or phantoms of the future. They accept the gift of today and make the best use of it they can.” That’s who I wanted to be!

“Tao people seek periods of peace.” That’s me!

“Tao people learn by doing. They take risks.” That’s me too! If I want to or not!

“Tao people practice self-acceptance.” “I’m trying! But wait it says, not to try, but to be deliberate it. Move into it, and just be it. Oh gosh, this is a lot to take on.

Then it has so many mediations and practices: keep a journal.

Where in my life do I experience the most peace?
What area do I need to work on?
When and where can increase episodes or lengths of time of peace, and reduce non-peaceful episodes and moments? Envision it.

This book was had quite an impression on me and still does. It was transformative.

I was very unsettled mostly because I was afraid of dying. Then leaping off of that –

How am I supposed to live? How do I live? How do I live with this body that seems to have its own method, its own path, its own way forward, and then it hits a barrier or sometimes moves into reverse?

This was way too much for my young self. And I surely was not raised with any concrete guidance on how to maneuver in the world as my parents did not have their own reverent guide.

So, I must become my own guide. There was a moment when I decided that I think I need to study people, people in history, people’s stories, and how they moved in their world.

I need to gather.

There have been many, countless words that I absorbed to help me. I stumbled upon through a friend, Prescription for Nutritional Healing book. They have a cystic fibrosis section – you kidding me! I highlighted and underlined and added herbs and vitamins that I still take to this day.

I came upon this writer named bell hooks. She purposefully writes her name in lower case. She wrote a book called Feminism is for EVERYBODY. Bold. I like it. It’s a small yet potent handbook. She wrote with the intention to make it accessible and leaning towards being objective versus not subjective.

She writes:

“Feminism is a movement to end sexism, sexist exploitation, and oppression.”

“Feminists are made, not born. One does not become an advocate of feminist politics or simply by having the privilege of having been born female. Like all political positions, one becomes a believer in feminist politics through choice and action.” That’s me!

bell hooks continued to write and continues to write today. She wrote this stellar of a book called all about love. 

She writes, “Love was always and only about a good feeling. One of the most important social myths we must debunk is that abuse and neglect cannot coexist with love.”

Children often get confused about what love is because the parent cares for the child. Care is giving them food, clothing, a schoolbag, books, cooks for them, gives them gifts even.

But, then they say hurtful things, perhaps neglect their needs, and at times abusive. They shove the child aside when they ask a question and say, “Don’t bother me. Get away from me,” or much worse things happen right.

The emotional turmoil begins. The child knows what a good feeling is and they think – “Well they give me a nice warm bed to sleep in so they must love me.”

But – here, at this point: the parent is giving care not love.

This leads to a lot of confusion as a young person. Children don’t know the difference, and oftentimes adults don’t know the difference.

We are always pulling together likes with likes – and when it frays our mind we reel. It was definitely an “ah-ha” moment.

“Love – especially from a parent to a child
is to provide care,
affection,
recognition,
respect,
commitment,
trust, as well as
honest and open communication.”

It is a tall order for a moms and dads.

By this, you can then see the breakdown if this does not happen, and how this carries later into life.

Last one and then I am cutting out:

Angels bear witness. They are the guardian spirits who watch, protect, and guide us throughout our lives. Sometimes they take a human form. At other times, they are pure spirit – unseen, unimaginable, just forever present.

Angles represent for us a vision of innocence, of being not burdened by guilt or shame. Whether we imagine them the dark round-faced form of Coptic tradition or the fair, winged cherubs that we usually see, they are messengers of the divine. We see them as always bringing news that will give our hearts ease.

Ease.

Kindness.

Patience.

Repeat.

That’s where we are at.

Much love. Please stay well. Happy Pride! Here’s a little Judy flair! She was a phenomenal mom.

Work Cited:
all about love – bell hooks
Feminism is for EVERYBODY – bell hooks
The Tao of Inner Peace – Diane Dreher