The Oxford English Dictionary defines modulation as regulate or adjust, moderate. Adjust or vary the tone or pitch of (the speaking voice).

“The Merriam-Webster definition of ‘modulate’ includes the idea of ‘tuning’ to a key or pitch, or keeping in measure or proportion, as well as the idea of ‘varying’ amplitude, frequency, or phase ‘for the transmission of information.’

To modulate breath, then is both to be in tune to one’s breath and to vary it.

Breath, too, is about power: it is gendered, raced, etc. To modulate breath means to think about the frequencies we’ve been taught to speak on, and to tune in to how we transmit information and what kind and to whom.

To modulate breath means more awareness to when we speed up or slow down or pause, the variations within our breath and between breaths, and the effect of sharing breath with a reader – what demands a story might make on breath, how a story might teach its audience to match its rhythm, how certain genres and/or readers prefer certain keys or measures, or what happens when a story suddenly shifts key, like a bridge in a pop song – etc.

I prefer this way of talking about tuning in to ourselves and our audience to saying like ‘finding your voice’ – which seems more about the cultural constructions that make us say one person has a ‘voice’ and another does not and what kind of voice is acceptable, unique, bold, etc. – or to terms ‘quiet’ or ‘demanding’ or hooks you from the very first page, ‘ which are often more about the expectations of who should be quiet and who demands our attention.” – Matthew Salessses

“Our thoughts create our feelings and behavior” – Dr. Edith Eger.

I pause.

My breath is calmer and more even in between the months of my appointments.

The ever evolving breath is calm during my appointments, but I am calmer in my life away from the appointments.

I am a veteran patient. I have been doing this as long as I have been measuring my height against the wall of colorful animals painted in the pediatric waiting room. Purple elephant, red bear, and pink giraffe among other friends, surrounded by wild greens in the background. Same animals each year, different me.

In my clinic appointments: I present. I talk, banter, emphasize on the high points, and try and slide the low points on by. I never mention one aliment more than I must. They go through the list of systems and I pass them all right by.

I only mention something that may be pressing – but only if there may be a solution. I do not mention to just mention. I make the appointments succinct. I do the sandwich method as much as possible, and when things are good they say each and every time “Keep doing what you are doing, because it’s working.”

My method. I am been ‘doing what I have been doing’ my entire life.

There are hiccups and sometimes I am high jacked. That will happen overtime. But once we stop the train and reverse the engine and pivot onto the correct tracks, the ones with a calm breath, we are all much happier.

During the highjacks – the words in which we tell ourselves is everything.

In my younger days, in my teens especially I had a fierce resistance to particular words that circled around in the CF community: death, sickness, illness, underweight, clubbing, barreling, weakness, depression, anxiety, etc.

I did not understand why so much emphasis were placed on these words. I understood they were many people’s reality and could be my future – but I wasn’t going to get anywhere by using these words.

I never used them. I seriously hated them. I didn’t like the word hate so I often would say I detested them. I only focused on the good words: health, life, breath, strength, onwards.

And when I am high jacked – it took me years in practice to stop looking at what I want to do in contrast of what I can’t do. Instead of punishing my health – which I never truly did, ever, but there was angst.

Then there was a real moment, a rollercoaster unhinged, when I got the message. When I wasn’t doing well – my body was asking for my help. And it was up to me to find the right help. Like a child when he or she is sick and your mission is to help your child get well again. You don’t stop. You never stop.

There is no intentionality of unwellness. A double negative. There is only intentionality of wellness.

The body works hard every day, 24 hours a day to keep you going and when the engine loses a tire, or needs a part replaced, or shoot – it’s a sight to be scene, it’s up to you to attend to it.

No blame. No sorrowful words. There is a lot of sighs and a lot of deep breaths.

The words in which we tell ourselves absorb into us.

‘Our thoughts create our feelings and behavior.’

Much love to you and to you and to you.

Works Cited:

The Gift – Dr. Edith Eger.

Craft in the Real World – Matthew Salessses