Yesterday I turned 37, nearing 40. I have many goals for myself – striving to make 40, Fabulous 40. I want to feel strong, focused, and feel damn good. I have a list of objectives, of course. I want to feel and be better than ever. Just making that declaration is a good place to start.

This age marks 20 years of strife with my parents, whom I have not spoken to in 5 years this go around. My birthday is in particular magnified because I was born on my fathers’ birthday. Living without such a huge foundation is unimaginative for some people but then there are those who get it. Believe it or not over the years you adapt, as humans do, slow to start but then it catches on like when you start a new job. It is painful at first because you want to know everything yesterday but can’t. You have hyped-anxiety to be present and be on your mark, to push-on, but not sure what that mark even is yet. And when it comes to personal relationships, knowing only time literally paves over old scars. They are still there but less visible. New paths are then only created by shear will, one shoe at a time. Soon days turn into years.

And even after so many years – I just don’t know regarding my parents. Maybe we are just different people – period. Perhaps it is as simple as that. All the misunderstandings, missing of what could have been or was, the conversations, and then the almosts end up in a big pile of “I have no fucking clue.”

I do know living without a foundation, or the foundation you at least thought you should have since it seems so many others have it, you look to build your own. It takes years. I am extremely thankful for the ones that not only have decided to stay with me but have enjoyed the journey with me with all our bumps and bruises.

Each notch, peg is a celebration because life is a bitch-slap at times. Getting old and older is not an easy task and requires your meanest face at times.

I believe Robin Williams put on his meanest face – doing his best in life. I am very sad over the loss of him. Besides his talent – you like to think finally he beat those bastards that tried to take him down for so many years. He did it for 63 years. He past the real hard years. In all actuality you don’t hear of many 63 old folks doing what he did. In someone’s 40s, 50s – yes, you hear it. But by 63 you think he might be in the clear or closer to the great clarity we are all striving for. To me it means those bastards were downright horrific and he suffered. It makes me sad knowing he suffered. It makes me weep for those who do suffer.

And fuck, what do you do?

Never shut out people, never shut them down. You don’t necessarily have to become completely involved in someone’s life, but make sure that they know that what they are saying and feeling at that exact moment is being heard. Even if you don’t completely understand it and maybe never will – it doesn’t matter. You don’t have to because it isn’t about you, it is about them at that moment. By being heard they still feel present. Human. Connected. Not like their words fall to the floor and are swept away, dead, gone, like they never existed.

Truthfully, while writing this – I believe I was rarely heard from my parents. Maybe I don’t hear them? I am not even sure what their message is but it isn’t from lack of trying. I remember perfectly one time I was trying to convey something to my mother and I had to repeatedly say, “Will you please let me finish?” She would let me have a few more words but then cut me off again. I never did finish.

Just Stop.

Listen.

Ask, “How are you?”

Then, Stop and Listen again.

There is a whole lot of noise in life – a bunch of noise clanging around with next to no substance.

I think that is what we are all looking for – Substance, then quiet. I hope Robin found it. I hope those bastards shut the hell up finally. Rest in peace. May peace come to your family –