I wrote this a couple days before I went into the hospital. I am going to leave it as is.

Mucus, mucus, and more mucus is the theme.

I am in a cycle I need to get out of. I tried the fancy Tobi podinhaler that saved me 17 hours of therapy time – but my lungs did not like it.

The window, the space, when things are good and then turn – where decisions have to be made, where you try and find the answers deep inside – man, it is a tough place.

The first two weeks on the Tobi podinhaler were rough, and then it seemed to get better. Still hard, lots of coughing and loss of sleep but I normally cough more on my antibiotics (although I am re-thinking this point currently).

I finished the inhaler on December 20th and then an avalanche of mucus came. That Christmas week was the worst I have felt in years, the frequency of the harsh and violent coughs.

I am always hoping to get over the next hurdle. This will pass. These drugs are tough, hard, my body needs time to adapt, but then- the space.

How long is too long to make peace?

Yet – I was afraid to stop, change forms of the drug; so afraid of becoming resistant to it; I kept moving on.

My lungs did not like the drug. It tried to close up resisting it, trapping in bacteria. The bacteria I am trying to kill. I am DONE with new inhaled drugs – written off. My lungs are too sensitive.

Now I am on 2 drugs – one oral and one in my nebulizer, because now I have a true infection. The frequency of coughs is leaps and bounds better and are much less violent. I was doing really well until Friday when the cold came in.

I am so done with this non-sense. I want to be good, well every day, not some days. I want to live my life, have my life and stop this crap. When I feel like I am stuck in a cycle this is when the term “CF sufferer” comes into play. I have been living my life not to be one.

Stop this crap. Stop it – now.