Last night I said to my partner, “I don’t want to go to my doctor’s appointment. I don’t want to care about the numbers. I want to live, I want to breathe, I want to exercise, go to work, do yoga, play with my dogs, eat, love. I don’t want to care about the numbers. I don’t want to breathe into, blow into, that machine like my life depends on it. I don’t want to do my sugars.”

“If you haven’t noticed, I don’t say much in my appointments. I don’t want to say much because they heighten everything. I don’t want more medications, prescriptions that I have to pay for, take time to do, remember and keep track of.”

She said, “Why don’t you cancel your appointment?”

“No,” I say. “That is how it starts. You have to go in and stay on top of things. This is what happens with people. They get tired and they stop. There is a max what people can deal with it, and I just think I am finding/reaching it. I think I am there. Maybe not forever, but maybe for a while. I don’t know. But, I know I don’t care. I don’t care. I don’t care. I care, but I don’t. I don’t care about the numbers. I am almost 34 and I have achieved a long life in the CF world. I just don’t care.”

“Is it because the numbers were lower than other times?”

“Part of it. I just don’t want to pull the energy from my toes to my chest and endure, have strength, endure, do, believe, think positive-I don’t care. I care about my life, I don’t want to put the energy into the numbers. I do my treatments, take my drugs, do what I need to do, that is all I want.”

I have been doing this for 34 blessed years. I have been rearranging, reinventing, pulling things out of an unknown magic hat and have had to recreate again, and again, and again. Every few years . . . I have had a pretty good streak, overall; the problem is I am having a hard time putting that want into kicking ass. I want to live a peaceful life. I don’t want to fight.

And you don’t even understand, the word fight, working together/not against, working as a team/not against have been words/definitions I have been juggling my whole adult life.

New post, switch gears. I can’t be here anymore.