What works?

I don’t know what works. I have to create again. I have to think out of the box. I have to get rid of this green goop I keep coughing up. Shaking my head . . .

Cystic Fibrosis.
Something tied to my identity all my life.

Words I have heard again and again in my life:
You are a miracle.
You are amazing.
I’m sorry.
You look good.
You must have a less severe condition.
You don’t look sick.
Walking dead.
Discipline like God.
Treatments.
Cough.
Inhale/exhale.
You are lucky.
You are blessed.
Your stubbornness is the reason why you are alive.
Endurance.
Strength.

My goal of this blog is to figure out how to get rid of this green goop I keep coughing up. I am almost 34 years. The age my oldest friend Mark passed away. The green goop is persistent, stubborn, and just keeps coming.

I don’t want to start antibiotics again. I have already done it twice this year, or last fall; but in one 365 day period.
I almost tearing up because I know this IS big again. I had a huge set back this last year, something I may go into in the future. Legally, don’t know if it is the right thing to do.

I have to muster up something. Energy, desire—the desire—I forgot about the desire to live. God that is so damn big.

Focus, commitment, endurance; the damn endurance that is like a marathon race that keeps pounding away, foot against pavement, thump, breath, thump, breath, thump, breath.

Jesus Christ comes into play. He just comes out of my mouth, some place in my mental thinking/blocking.

I have written so much about CF in my life. Yet, do I know anything? Cause you see, every 5-10 years, there are huge over-arching goals, combined with a million, trillion little goals nestled between. Each treatment, each cough, each tear duct that blasts out because the pressure is so high; don’t even talked to me about my damn sphincter below. You know it, I said it.

I don’t know how often I will be writing. I consider writing the place where I find my thoughts, processes; it is whatever my mental and physical abilities dictate. I am only their servant. I am their student, as they are my guides.

They know everything, and I know nothing.

My friend Nate and I always say, “The best place to start is from nothing.” I guess I am here, the best place—rolling eyes again.

There are so many things coming this year, next two years in the CF world, my world. I can feel it. The energy is shifting again. I need to allow the energy to flow through me, no blockages.

Huge, huge, huge . . .